DISH: VEGAN VETO
DIVA LOVE DISH – Friday: 6/23/06
My poly live-in partner has a long-standing lover relationship (8 yr.) with a monogamous woman. He describes this relationship as a "friendship." For the past 4 years she has denied my existence. Now that she acknowledges I exist, she hates me.
Last week I met with her, at her request, to get to know each other. It was a mediated discussion with a friend of hers. She screamed and ranted for 2 hr about all the things she didn't like about what she believes I think and have done to her.
I left the meeting with no desire to have further contact with her. I have requested, that if he continues to spend time with her, to not discuss me with her, ever again.
I'm getting very concerned about the stress on him, and for myself . I question his judgment that he would continue to be in relationship with such a negative and unstable person. I'm getting tired of holding space for him. Each Thursday he returns home upset and depleted.
I love him very much. He and I have a wonderful time with each other and our other shared lovers . But I'm wondering if we need to renegotiate our partnership?
So far we have not granted veto power to each other over other relationships. Probably not the best time to bring this up with him but if I had veto power, she would be gone. I would not use this power lightly but I'm at a loss.
Do you have any advice?
An added twist, he told me this morning he's willing to break up with her, if I want him to. Yikes. Veto power.
What are the risks of using Veto Power?
Scared, sad and at a loss.
Cara Emotionally Shaken & Stirred,
Right now, you have been cooking up several dishes that don't serve well together. When this happens we can get emotional indigestion and smells can bleed over from one dish to another.
Imagine onions next to bananas!
Sometimes it helps to have stronger containers (boundaries) between the ingredients.
There is a Polyamorous World cooking philosophy and a Monogamous World cooking philosophy. Each uses their own ingredients and creates certain kinds of dishes.
The Polyamorous World Cooking Philosophy:
It is possible to truly love and have emotionally connected (and/or erotically sexual relationships) with more than one person simultaneously. In fact, it is a sign of expanded emotional development to love more than one.
The Monogamous World Cooking Philosophy:
It is possible to truly love, have emotional connection and fulfilling erotic passion with one person exclusively. In fact, it is a sign of integrity, honesty, and maturity to focus on loving one person.
Each of these world views can be cooked up deliciously, organically, and in a healthy way.
Each of these world views can be crafted with unsavory ingredients, that spoil easily and are not healthy.
It can be challenging to cook up both these views side by side.
Healthy ingredients include:
Unhealthy ingredients include:
What do we do with Spoiled or Unsavory Ingredients in ourselves, or others?
When we say that someone else is so __________ (fill in the blank), we point a finger. No matter how well deserved the pointing appears to be, we are also pointing 3 fingers back at ourselves.
The power of Shadow Cooking, is recognizing the fact that projections are present. So each time someone else stirs us up, FIRST we look inside to find out where that Shadow Ingredient is also in us.
That person is so selfish for wanting the meal all to themselves.
3 Fingers at me - - - I am also so selfish for wanting the meal my way.
This becomes an opportunity to deepen that delicious ingredient of COMPASSION for myself, and others.
If I notice, I am too shaken and stirred to be able to see my own darkness, I START BY GIVING MYSELF some unconditionally loving compassion and understanding for my pain.
SHARING THE KITCHEN:
When we share a kitchen with other chefs, it is easy to get confused.
This is where BOUNDARIES & AGREEMENTS are so important. (Preferably BEFORE we start sharing a kitchen).
In this case, both your partner (and to some degree his friend) are people with whom you are sharing a kitchen or ingredients.
SHOULD WE RENEW OR RENOGATIATE THE KITCHEN LEASE?
When we share similar cooking styles, tempo and tastes, sharing a kitchen is easeful and enjoyable.
If we differ in cooking styles, tempo, and tastes such as:
sharing a kitchen can become stressful and painful.
THE VEGAN VETO – NO TO ANYTHING we say ISN'T HEALTHY
we may be putting barriers between our intimacy.
Even if they ask us to set limits for them, they may resent us later for “forcing” or “coercing” them to go on a relationship diet.
Sometimes, we are truly allergic to something being cooked up and dished out. Then it is crucial that we let others know this fact. And that we manage our own well being. This can include:
NOTE: Serving up a VEGAN VETO, will often give our partner the permission to serve up their own VETO dishes.
This can be fine, if we like cooking up and eating Veto's.
To be an awesome Chef of Love, I ongoingly take and recommend taking Relationship Cooking Classes on:
Your dedication to cooking up delicious relationship recipes and concern for ingredients is very moving.
Sending you prayers and healing intentions for a life of peaceful and flavorful cooking.