DISH: Hormonal Hot Pockets

DIVA LOVE DISH – Friday: 6/18/06

Dear Diva Francesca,

My wife is 59 and I am 54. We have been living 900 miles apart for a year, until I can find a job in her area.

We see each other every six weeks or so.

In the last year, she says she's lost interest in sex and I find it really frustrating when I visit. I feel like I'm getting mercy sex and not the wonderful experiences of the past where I felt like we were two souls melding together.

We love each other deeply, but our sexual relationship has withered. What do I do?

Al

Caro Al,

Thank you so much for the courage to reveal your ages. We have a society that is wounded around aging. By wounded, I mean that we no longer honor and celebrate the glorious gifts and inspiring challenges of the aging process.
I have a sense that aging may be contributing ONE factor to the sexual disconnect you are experiencing.

As we age, we have the opportunity to cook up:

  • Our wisdom
  • Our ability to make a positive difference in the world
  • Our perspective
  • Our patience
  • Our compassion and understanding
  • Clarity about our life purpose and the path of our soul
  • Even more delicious Sacred Sexuality

THE CHALLENGE:

As we age, our hormones reduce production. The outcome of this is:

  • Body changes
  • A tendency to gain weight and/or lose muscle
  • Wrinkling
  • Loss of water
  • Hormonal Changes (for men/women in testosterone, estrogen, progesterone, the adrenals, the thyroid, the pituatary, Human Growth Hormone and more).
  • WITHOUT TREATMENT this can result in mood swings, fatigue, trouble
    sleeping, loss of self esteem, and loss of sex drive.

EROTIC AGING AT EVERY AGE:

When someone (male or female) comes to me and says they are:

  • Having difficulty getting, or maintaining and erection
  • Having difficulty getting aroused without chemical stimulants, pornography, or a sex party
  • Having difficulty feeling anything from the waist down
  • Having difficulty “staying emotionally present” during sex
  • Having difficulty getting wet or obtaining an orgasm
  • Disconnected from their desire for sex

There are FOUR places that I look:

  1. Previous emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse that has trained their heart/spirit to hide from the sexual intimacy and/or emotional intimacy.
  2. An imbalance or reduction of hormonal levels (due stress, trauma,
    rapid weight loss or weight gain, grieving, depression and/or aging.)
  3. Loss of trust, confidence, respect, and vision in the current
    relationship.
    NOTE: I recommend THE FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE for easy, fabulous info on rapid reconnecting.
  4. Lack of training and information on:
    a. The human patterns of arousal in men and in woman
    b. The human patterns of love & infatuation in women and in men
    c. The vulva, the penis and the anus
    d. The components of sacred sexuality
    e. The components of sexual healing or sexual wounding in relationship
    f. The difference in the body in arousal patterns as we age.
    NOTE: Most of us have never received formal, researched, instructive, competent training in these subjects.
    Experience or having lots of lovers or lots of sex or getting lots of compliments does NOT REPLACE training.

THE PARADOX:

Although we all age, and eventually die, aging can be an inspiration to deepen our knowledge and ability to be healthy, loving, and sexually awesome.

HOW DO WE COOK UP HORMONAL HOT POCKETS?

You speak of having had soul melding sex. If you have had it, you can have it again. NOW is the time, to open your compassionate hearts. Release shame, blame and criticism. FOCUS on getting more clarity about what’s in the way of great sex. Focus your VISIONS and energy/thoughts on what you would like create. No one is wrong here. There are just the steps to a new recipe.

COMPASSION IS THE KEY INGREDIENT that always helps the dough rise and the dish be moist. We all long to be seen, to be understood, to be heard and to matter. When we OFFER COMPASSION and seek clarity, we often receive understanding and empathy in return.

Hmm, and how about deliciously balanced hormones. Without them there is no spice for our dish.

Slow down and savor the full flavor and band-width possible in the dish.
Erotic aging inspires us to bring in more of the chakra’s the senses, and the whole body. It takes longer to get aroused as we age. And more of our body, mind, heart, spirit longs to be involved.

This dish takes a minimum of TWO HOURS to cook. Although, I recommend setting aside 3 hours to give a spacious container, even if you don’t end up using all that time. If you rush this dish, it goes flat.

I recommend setting aside 3 hours at least once a month (or 6 weeks in your
case) on a weekend in the late morning or afternoon (when we have energy and are not too sleepy.)

Fast food sex works fine when:

  • We are young
  • Within the first few months of falling in love
  • We are already feeling emotionally, physically, spiritually and
    erotically connected
  • When we don’t know any different
  • When we are addicted to some form of stimulation that connects the
    genitals and disconnects the heart/spirit

I recommend creating a sexual feast. Take the time and effort to be sure the ingredients are healthy, fresh, loving and nutritive. AND take the time to cook it up slowly while savoring the process.

Getting clear on what is IN OR OUT OF REPAIR before cooking:
Before we cook, we need to be sure that we have all ingredients and tools and that they are fresh and are in good working order.

Is being apart, or too busy creating an emotional distance?
NOTE: When we emotionally disconnect, often our genitals physically disconnect.

Have you two been withholding hopes, dreams, feelings, core needs, authenticities, or concerns?

Are you still creating and envisioning together?

Do you call each other daily and practice appreciating one another for anything and everything?
NOTE: Appreciation is also one of the KEY INGREDIENTS that sweetens and nourishes any dish.

Have you HAD YOUR HORMONAL LEVELS tested?
NOTE: It is necessary to go to an ANTI-AGING SPECIALIST, the average Doctor (even a gynecologist or endocrinologist does not have the latest information on ANTI-aging medicine.

Have either of you experienced emotional, physical or sexual abuse growing up?
NOTE: Aging often stirs up these issues to be worked with for the first time or AGAIN at a deeper and more wisdom filled level.

We are so lucky to be alive at a time where it is fairly easy to find this information and to get expert assistance.

PHYSICIAN:
For a physician I recommend googling:
Anti-Aging Medicine (in your area).

BOOKS:

  • The Alchemy of Love and Lust; How Sex Hormones Influence Our Relationship BY Theresa L. Crenshaw MD
  • The Hormone Solution; Stay Younger Longer BY Thierry Hertoghe, MD
  • The Sexy Years BY Suzanne Somers (Easy read & great info for both
    MEN & WOMEN)
  • A Woman’s Book of Life BY Joan Borysenko PHD
  • The Five Languages of Love BY Gary Chapman

TRAINING:

VIDEOS/Movies:

  • Calendar Girls
  • Cocoon
  • Shirley Valentine

Your compassionate heart, and passionate nature are an inspiration. I am sending you juicy energy and prayers for a perfect dish.

Blessings,
Diva Francesca

 

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